The first day proved to be hardest. Just as she had done when she had first come aboard this new Normandy, she found herself looking for Kaidan wherever she went on the ship. She caught herself expecting to find him in the med bay, in the mess, up in the CIC, or in her cabin; she was forced to push away the disappointment each time she did not find him. Eventually found herself sitting in the deserted mess hall at 0300, sipping on a cup of coffee as she looked over the pile of data pads she’d brought along. Weariness edged in on her, but the sleep was just out of reach as it always was, something she was becoming accustomed to since being awakened on that medical facility owned by Cerberus.

She sighed as she set down a data pad to pick up another; she didn’t like it, but it looked like she was going to have to ask Chakwas for sleep aids if she wanted to be at her best for the next mission. She couldn’t afford not to be; she was responsible for the lives of her crew and she had never once taken that responsibility lightly, before and after her resurrection.

Just a little longer, she promised herself.

“May I have a moment of your time, Commander?” Inwardly, she sighed. Miranda. Well, might as well bite the bullet and get this over with.

She set down her data pad and lifted her eyes to where her XO stood across the table from her. “Sure, I was just going over reports.” She waved the woman to sit and after a pensive frown, she did so. “What’s on your mind Miranda?”

Miranda folded her hands on the table and let out a soft sigh. “We haven’t always agreed, Commander, or gotten along for that matter, but I don’t dislike you.”

Shepard took a sip of her coffee, then sighed softly; this was going to go exactly where she didn’t want to – this was about Kaidan. “I don’t exactly dislike you either, Miranda.”

She nodded. “I want to offer you my input from a completely neutral stand-point.” Shepard waved a hand for her to continue. “Bringing Staff-Commander Alenko onto the crew is a huge mistake.”

“If I am to believe that you are standing in the neutral about this,” Shepard started, trying to keep herself neutral about her XO’s opinion, “I’d like to hear your reasoning. If it’s sound, I’ll take it into consideration.”

“I…appreciate it, Commander.” The words seemed forced, but Shepard would take a small victory wherever she could with this woman. “I admit I am surprised he agreed to this, but I suppose I shouldn’t be, considering the nature of your relationship before your untimely death.”

Shepard rolled her eyes with an inward groan; was there no part of her life that Cerberus wasn’t aware of? She and Kaidan hadn’t exactly been subtle aboard the old ship after the battle for the Citadel, but it still goaded on her that Cerberus had to put their nose into her personal affairs. “The nature of our relationship is friendship, comrades, nothing more,” Shepard affronted, though she herself knew the words to be false because she still loved him even now.

Miranda wasn’t falling for it, Shepard could see that in the slight narrowing of her eyes. “We both know that is a lie, Commander.”

“For now it’s the truth, Lawson.”

She was thoughtful but after a moment, she nodded. “I’ll take you at your word then. The nature of your relationship isn’t at issue here, it’s who he is. Logically you cannot condone having an Alliance officer on board a Cerberus funded ship and mission.”

“I’m Alliance - “

“No, you’re not. I’m sorry, Commander, but you were Alliance. They declared you killed in action,” Miranda said with a shake of her head.

“Fine. I concede to your point. However, they trust me or else I’d have been taken in already.” She said the words a little more roughly than she intended, setting down her coffee mug hard against the surface of the table. The clack of it echoed within the mess as they leveled their stares on each other. Shepard didn’t want to feel this irritation, but she couldn’t help the way it rose in her like a violent storm each time someone felt the need to remind her that she didn’t have her old life anymore, that she was a ghost of her former self. Right now more than ever she wished she could have told Cerberus to shove it and run back to the Alliance when she had came to, but when she thought about it logically she knew this could be her only course of action. She would have been questioned, interrogated, stuck behind bullshit red tape and grounded while the Collectors went about their agenda, doing god knows what to all the human colonies they were abducting.

As much as she wanted to hate her situation, her death hadn’t left her with a whole lot of options to work with. It had to be this way. At least until the Collectors were dealt with.

” - may be true, but there are still other things here that you need to consider,” Miranda said, her words drawing Shepard from her thoughts. She really had to stop doing that; thinking too much never ended up anywhere good. Not with the way things were now.

“Like what?” Shepard leaned forward and braced her elbows on the table, interlocking her fingers.

“I know you don’t believe this to be Cerberus’ ship, Shepard, but it is not a reality you cannot deny. The Illusive man paid for it to be built and, as you know, there is surveillance devices nearly everywhere – save the ones you and some of your crew have been disposing of. EDI is bound by restraints set by Cerberus. Jacob and I – as well as most of your crew – are Cerberus. This is a Cerberus ship.”

For now, Shepard reminded herself internally. Once this was over she planned to liberate it from little old Timmy and return it to its rightful owner. The Normandy had always belonged to the Alliance, a ship that had been created through a mix of turian and human ingenuity; it felt wrong that she was in Cerberus’ hands – even rebuilt and improved.

Shepard sighed softly and tapped her connected hands against her chin; there was no point in arguing this particular subject with Miranda. The dark haired beauty was by far one of most loyal of the Cerberus crew. The Illusive Man had chosen her well. “Alright,” she finally said, “I see your point. I’m in denial. What are you getting at?”

“Did he not call you a traitor for working with us?” With a pensive frown Shepard nodded. “If he joins the crew, he’ll be working with us. I personally don’t believe he will be okay with that, with you in charge or not.”

“Jack is here, isn’t she? She hates Cerberus far more than anyone I’ve ever come across,” Shepard pointed out, lifting her finger from the back of her opposite hand to point at her. “As you well know.”

Miranda pressed her lips together thinly and folded her arms across her chest. “If she put the mission in jeopardy, the Illusive Man wouldn’t hesitate to be rid of her. I believe bringing Alenko on board is going to affect the mission adversely.”

“What harm is there in one more recruit? He’s a powerful biotic. He would prove invaluable to our mission,” Shepard assured. “I believe that Kaidan is beginning to see the bigger picture here, Miranda. That the Collectors and the Reapers need to be stopped, no matter the measures. I believe he would not be so narrow minded that he would doom the galaxy over his hatred of Cerberus. Tali and Garrus don’t much like Cerberus either.”

“Alright, Shepard. I still don’t like this and I am sure the Illusive Man won’t either, but I can see the logic in having the best with us for the mission. If you believe him to be one of the best, I will not doubt you,” Miranda sighed the words as she pushed herself up from the table. “Let me know if you’ll need me on Illium.”

“Thanks and I will.” Miranda walked away from the table toward the door that led to her quarters. The doors hissed open and after a moment, Shepard was left alone with her thoughts once more. It was safe to say she was surprised, and in a nice manner; she never thought Miranda would concede to her thinking on anything. Yet, in her way, she’d just given her approval of Kaidan’s recruitment(not that Shepard needed her approval to begin with).

They were due to arrive at Illium in less than 7 hours. She had to sleep. Nightmares or not, she had to be at her best because she had a duty to do. A duty that she knew she could not ignore, no matter how much she ached to turn this ship around to return to Kaidan’s side. If fate allowed, it was only a matter of time before they could be crew mates again, but until then, it was best to keep herself busy.

It was a week after her departure that Kaidan received a message from Alliance HQ to his private terminal. It was simple and straight-forward; they were approving his transfer to Shepard’s command, but could not publicly endorse his presence on a Cerberus vessel. They were essentially giving him an ‘extended leave of absence’, he’d thought wryly after reading the message. He wanted to be happy, but part of him wasn’t; the Alliance was in his blood, it was who he was, the duty he lived by. It felt like he was turning his back on all that he believed in. Even if Shepard was doing this for the right reasons, he didn’t have to like the partnership with Cerberus. He would never acknowledge them,or trust them, but he could trust Shepard and that’s the only reason he’d decided on this. It still hurt though, to feel like the Alliance didn’t have his back; if he felt this bad, he wondered how Shepard must feel about it.

Shepard. Where was she? It had been a week since he’d received the message and had been assured by Anderson that it had been sent to her as well. She said she would rush back as soon as it came through, though he supposed there was plenty to keep her busy. Still, a week? Had something happened to her?

He brought up his omni-tool and pinged in her address.

K. Alenko (14:21) – Shepard? Are you there?

Then he sat back on the sofa and sighed softly as he awaited a response. Did Cerberus have message protocols installed? He wondered if she could even receive messages from him, but considering that Shepard had been able to send encrypted data to Anderson via her omni-tool, he had to assume she could.

His omni-tool beeped with her response.

A. Shepard (14:24) – I’m here. Been a couple weeks. How are you?

K. Alenko (14:25) – I’m good. Keeping busy with work on the Citadel. Recruiting going well?

A. Shepard (14:27) – We’ve picked up a drell assassin and an asari Justicar. Both are very…intriguing individuals.

K. Alenko (14:30) – A drell. That’s a first, even for you.

A. Shepard (14:32) – Yeah, yeah, laugh it up. I’m an alien lover. Bah. What do they know. Hell, you know how well our crew worked together. Didn’t matter if we were the same species or not in the end.

K. Alenko (14:34) – I know, Shepard. Can I ask you something?

A. Shepard (14:35) – Oh lovely. By all means.

He couldn’t help but chuckle a bit at that. He could just picture her rolling her eyes. Given the turbulent reunion they’d had, he couldn’t blame her.

K. Alenko (14:38) – I got the message from Alliance HQ a week ago. Anderson assured me it was sent to you as well. Something holding you up?

A. Shepard (14:44) – …I never got the message.

Kaidan scrubbed a hand over his face. Well, that assured him that there were Cerberus loyalists on board, or that the Illusive Man – as Shepard had called him – was more hands than he had initially assumed. Someone had most likely deleted the message before Shepard had been able to see it.

K. Alenko (14:48) – Does Cerberus scan your messages?

A. Shepard (14:50) – Very possible. I wouldn’t put it past Timmy. What bothers me is who told him about this to begin with. My XO pretty much gave me the all clear and she would have been my first suspect.

K. Alenko (14:52) – So what now?

A. Shepard (14:53) – Don’t worry. I’ll handle it. I’ll tell Joker to set a course for the Citadel.

A. Shepard (14:54) – …see you soon, Kaidan.

K. Alenko (14:56) – See you soon, Shepard.

He shut down his omni-tool and pushed himself up from the couch in his meagerly adorned living-room. He wouldn’t have much to bring with him, but he might as well pack what he was going to take. It would keep him from thinking too much.

Hopefully.

Shepard was absolutely livid. After giving a course to Joker, she’d retreated to her quarters for the safety of her crew. Someone was passing on information to the Illusive Man; as she had told Kaidan, Miranda would have been her first suspect two weeks ago, but that was before the two of them had come to a sort of understanding on the matter of Kaidan’s recruitment. She didn’t like to think there was someone playing spy behind her back, but it wasn’t something she could deny. If they had deleted the message from Alliance HQ, who was to say they hadn’t deleted others; how many messages had Shepard never received?

This was going to stop, one way or the other.

“EDI – I want a record of all crew member correspondences with the Illusive Man.” Shepard barked the order as she sat herself at her terminal.

“I have a block preventing me from completing this task.” The AI supplied after a moment.

She cursed. Loudly. Someone was covering their tracks, or the Illusive Man was doing it for them. Well, unlucky for them she had still had an ace up her sleeve.

“EDI, let Kasumi know that I request her presence in my cabin please.”

“Affirmative, Shepard.” There was a few moments pause before the AI spoke to her again. “Ms. Goto is on her way up.”

“Thank you, EDI.”

“Logging you out, Shepard.” The the blue orb flickered and disappeared from where it had fired up beside her door. Not too far behind her. Shepard turned her chair to face that direction as she waited for the thief. She didn’t have to wait long. The doors hissed open and the hooded woman stepped into the room, grinning her way.

“Hey Shep!”

Shepard couldn’t help but grin back. Something about this woman was infectious. She always found herself lightening up around her, more prone to discuss things of a personal nature. Ironic, but fitting, given that she was the galaxy’s greatest and most wanted thief.

“I need your help with something, Kasumi.”

The thief nodded and leaned her hip and shoulder against the wall as she folded her arms across her chest. “You came to the right person. What can I do you for?”

Shepard leaned back in her chair and she too folded her arms across her chest. “Someone is leaking information to the Illusive Man and either they, or Timmy, is covering their tracks well enough that I can’t get records of correspondences between him and the crew.”

“You sure it isn’t that Lawson woman?” Kasumi asked. “She is loyal to a fault to Cerberus, isn’t she?”

“I would have jumped to the same conclusion a couple weeks ago but I know it’s not her. Not about this, given how I found out about the leak. Can you get me those correspondences, or at least who’s been making calls, sending messages, to Timmy?”

Kasumi grinned. “What a stupid question, Shep. You know me. Anything I want, I get.”

Shepard chuckled. “So you’ll do this?”

“Sure, no problem.”

They chatted for a little bit longer about inconsequential things, before they parted for the night. Shepard found that her anger had faded, leaving her just bone weary and tired. They were on their way back to the Citadel to pick up Kaidan and this newest problem was well on its way to being fixed; for the first time since she’d been brought back, she felt she might actually get a good night of sleep in.

She could hope anyway.

The silence stretched almost unbearably, but Shepard couldn’t think of anything to say. At least anything comprehensible. She was surprised, to say the least. It wasn’t that long ago that Kaidan had said she couldn’t change his mind, no matter what words she offered up. Perhaps she was dreaming.

“Shepard?”

She blinked once, then twice, found she was still floundering for what to say; there was a lot to consider, beyond her selfish desire to have him at her side. The Alliance, the Illusive Man, and hell, even Miranda if her previous conversations with the XO were anything to go by.

“Are you sure about this Kaidan?” She finally managed to ask through the whirlwind of her thoughts.

He nodded, though, knowing him as well as she did – at least before she died – she could see the tiniest hint of uncertainty. And it was there, intentional or not. “I am.”

“This isn’t an Alliance vessel,” Shepard sighed, walking up the steps to lean against the railing over-looking the Galaxy map. He came to stand beside her. “You may not be able to get leave to serve with me, as I am no longer part of the Alliance. I may be a Spectre, but they will only see me as someone who’s working with Cerberus.”

“Anderson believes in you, Shepard, he believes in what you’re doing. Only he, Hackett, and those of us aboard the SR-1, tried to fight when the Council dismissed the Reapers, discredited you.” He sighed and rubbed a hand across his face. “And I know you. You were right. I know you would only do this for the right reasons. I want to stop the Reapers as much as you do, Shepard.” He folded his arms across the railing and leaned down beside her. “I experienced Horizon. I was as helpless as the colonists. If the Collectors are working for the Reapers, we have to stop them.”

“There are others who believed in what we saw, Kaidan.” She nodded, thinking of Rupert, of Ken and Gabby. “They are here, on the ship. They joined Cerberus to help me. We may not like Cerberus, but there isn’t much in range of options right now. I think Anderson knew that as well. It was only because of him that my Spectre status was reinstated.”

Shepard pushed herself up from the railing. “This isn’t going to be easy, Kaidan. I want you to know what you’re getting into. Not only do we have to get Anderson to sign off on this, but I will have to convince the Illusive Man.”

“The Illusive Man?” Kaidan turned toward her and frowned, folding his arms across his chest. “I thought you weren’t working for him. That this was your ship.”

“How does that saying go, Kaidan? ‘Don’t bite the hand that feeds you’. I may not like it, but I can’t afford to piss him off until after I’ve finished off the Collectors.”

He pressed his lips together thinly. “Point taken, Shepard.”

She grinned, unable to help herself. “Last chance to change your mind, Alenko.”

His lips twitched into a smirk, as if he too was unable to help himself. “I’m good, Shepard.”

“You are sure about this?” the Illusive Man asked as he brought his cigarette to his lips and took a thoughtful drag. The feeling was nice, the burning in his lungs pleasant as he let the smoke curl free from his lips on an exhale of breath. His cybernetic eyes narrowed on the hologram being projected to him from his ship.

“Yes. I was at my station when they spoke. Alenko is going to petition the Alliance for leave to serve with the Commander.”

“Where is the Commander now?” He flicked the cig, watching uninterested as the ash fell off.

“We docked at the Citadel about 30 minutes ago.”

“I see,” he replied after a moment. “I thank you for your continued support of Cerberus, Chambers. Rest assured I have the situation under control.”

“It’s good to see you alive, Alenko.” Anderson clasped hands with him and shook.

“I heard it was a close call,” Kaidan replied as he stepped back to stand with Shepard and Garrus; she had opted to take faces that Anderson was familiar with, and ones he at least, somewhat, trusted.

Anderson nodded. “Shepard kept me informed throughout.”

“It was the least I could do,” she shrugged her shoulders, then stepped forward with a grin to shake hands with the Councilor.

“I’m surprised you returned him,” the man chuckled as they stepped apart. He glanced over her shoulder and nodded to the turian who he remembered from the SR-1 days. “Good to see you in one piece, Vakarian. After you quit C-Sec and disappeared we feared the worst.”

“Good to see you,” Garrus answered in kind, his mandibles tense against the sides of his face; he wasn’t smiling, Shepard knew, no doubt still angry about what had happened after her death. He hung back, leaning against the wall with his arms crossed across his armored chest.

“Where did you find him?” Anderson asked her curiously.

“Omega,” Shepard supplied. “Fighting the good fight, you know.”

“Taught him well I see.”

She grinned. “I make an impression, what can I say.”

“Anderson, there was something we wanted to discuss with you,” Kaidan spoke up then, steering the conversation toward their current objective.

“I suspected as much.” The older man nodded and moved himself to sit behind his desk, palms pressed flat to the surface. “Go on.”

Kaidan straightened and folded his arms behind his lower back. “I want to join Shepard’s crew and help her with removing the Collector threat.” Shepard could feel the sensation of her heart jumping into her throat at his words; if Anderson denied his request, would she be able to handle it?

“Shepard’s Cerberus crew?” Anderson arched a brow then sighed softly. “I trust you, Shepard. I do. But I doubt everyone on your ship is as trust worthy. I don’t doubt the ship is bugged. Alenko is Alliance. Putting him on a Cerberus vessel is high risk, especially if the Illusive Man decided to take advantage of the situation.”

“I have considered the risks,” Kaidan said before she could say anything herself, “but I believe they are miniscule compared to the threat we are facing from the Reapers.”

Anderson sighed again, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. “I will need to speak to Alliance HQ about this. That is all I can promise for now.”

“Thank you, Anderson.”

“Don’t thank me yet, Shepard. If they decline the request, there is nothing I can do.”

“I know, but thank you for trusting me enough to even give it consideration.”

Anderson pushed himself to his feet. “You will have to stay on the Citadel until they answer, Alenko. Or else they may consider you AWOL.”

“Aye aye, sir.”

“Shepard, I can put you up somewhere until the transfer request is processed if you plan to stay as well.” Anderson offered.

Shepard glanced at Kaidan for a long moment but knew the request could take some time; the Commander in her knew she had to continue with recruiting, while the woman in her wanted nothing more to stay here with him. She shook her head softly and saw the disappointment in his features before he managed to hide it. “I can’t,” she apologized as she turned her gaze back to Anderson. “The Collectors aren’t going to wait around for the request to be approved, so I can’t either. I have to keep building up my team while I have the time. Alert me when you receive an answer and I will return a-sap.”

“I’ll give you two a bit to talk,” Garrus offered as they stepped into the Dark Star lounge. Shepard nodded, still able to feel Kaidan seething behind her; she didn’t understand entirely why he was upset, but she knew she couldn’t avoid the ‘talk’ forever. The turian nodded and headed to the bar while Shepard led Kaidan to a table, where they both sat. It was quiet for a long moment, achingly so, as she looked into his amber gaze; she knew he understood, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t hurt.

“Why?” He finally asked as he folded his hands on the table.

She sighed as the music of the lounge pulsed around them. “Kaidan, what I told Anderson was the truth. The Collectors aren’t going to wait around for me to be ready.”

“I know that - “

” - you just don’t like it,” Shepard finished for him, propping her chin in her hand. He nodded with a tense frown. “Listen Kaidan, I’d wait around if I could. I can’t afford to be selfish when there are innocent people being abducted. There is no telling what the Collectors are doing to them, especially given who they are working with.”

“I don’t like this, Shepard.” He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose for a moment, before dropping his hand to the table with a hard smack. She reached her other hand out and laid it over his; he didn’t flinch, or draw away, but instead laid his second hand on top of hers and held it tightly. Her heart thumped wildly within her chest and she swallowed thickly. She had missed his touch since she’d awoken that day weeks ago, but she knew it must be worse for him – she hadn’t been there for years; for the first time she could be thankful she could not recall the gap of time that was her death.

“I know, Kaidan, but I’ll be alright. I promise.” She smiled and reluctantly drew her hand away, the contact almost too much for her. She wouldn’t be able to leave if this kept up, and as Kaidan had often said, duty came first. “It’s my duty to see this through to the end. I have to keep going. Anderson will let me know what the Alliance says; if you’re cleared, I won’t hesitate to come back and get you.”

“Thank you, Shepard.”

“I won’t lie to you, Kaidan.” She had to wave off his thanks, to warn him of what he was truly getting himself into before she found herself unable to do so for fear of him changing his mind. “Even if you are cleared, this isn’t going to be easy. The crew isn’t liable to trust you. The Illusive Man certainly won’t, and neither will my XO, but if this is what you really want – to help me – I will do everything in my power to make it happen.”

“I’m sure, Shepard, so stop trying to talk me out of it.”

“Aye aye,” she chuckled for a moment before sobering up. “I have to go. Duty calls.” She pushed herself up from the table and nearly jumped when he grabbed her wrist, effectively stopping her in place. “Kaidan?”

He looked up at her, his gaze troubled, and she could tell he was worried. He’d watched her die once and he, as much as her, didn’t want a repeat performance. “Shepard, be careful. Please.”

“I will. I promise.” She smiled and carefully drew herself away. She allowed herself a moment longer to gaze upon him in case the worst should come to pass, before she steeled herself. With a slight wave she walked away from him and nodded to Garrus who was quick to fall into step behind her.

After gathering supplies, she and Garrus returned to the Normandy, but it was hard to keep her spirits up when she was leaving Kaidan behind on the station.

“Hey Commander!” Joker waved her over once they came aboard. “Is it true what scuttlebutt is saying?” Shepard took his hat and put it on her head despite his quite vocal protests. “Hey! That’s mine! Give it!”

“Tsk tsk, is that any way to talk to your commanding officer?” She teased.

“You took my hat. All bets are off now.” He glared at her but it did little to intimidate her. With a chuckle, she tossed the hat back at him as she plopped herself into the co-pilot’s chair. He huffed as he put it back on, before chuckling himself now. “Well?”

“Well what?”

“I heard all about what happened with Kaidan on Horizon, hell, that’s why I don’t date crew, Commander.” Joker offered up his hands to show that he meant no disrespect. “But now scuttlebutt says he asked to join the crew. Is it true?”

“It’s true.”

“Shit, well. Timmy isn’t going to like this one little bit.”

Shepard sighed softly with a nod. “I know.”

“Trying to stick it to him in any way you can, huh? I can respect that.” He leaned back in his chair and looked at her. “Staff-Commander now, wasn’t it?” She nodded. “Why didn’t he return with you?”

“Anderson said he would forward the request to Alliance HQ. We’re just waiting on an answer now,” Shepard sighed. “Never know how long that can take, and we have things that need to be done…”

Joker studied her thoughtfully. “You sure this is a good idea?”

“It’s probably not,” she conceded.

He laughed. “Well, good to see you still have your infamous good sense, Commander! Too bad you are not putting it to good use.”

“Haha, very funny.” Shepard pushed herself up from the chair. “Just keep flying the ship Joker. There is a reason you’re a pilot and not a therapist.”

“Oh ouch! Hit below the belt there,” he groaned.

“I learn from the best,” she chuckled as she walked away.

“Damn straight.”

Shepard’s spirits were dampened considerably the next day when Doctor Chakwas informed her of her intent to release Kaidan from medical care. The Staff-Lieutenant was completely healed and Shepard knew that meant the time had come to return him to the Alliance. They’d had so little time together – two days – and most of that time had been spent arguing. The talk the night before had been the only moment of civility between them and she wasn’t afraid to admit to herself that she wanted more time with him. However, she wanted him to trust in her completely and that meant she could not go back on her word; Kaidan would be leaving and there wasn’t a thing she could do about it.

Heart heavy, she typed up her response and hit send before she could change her mind. One more day – one more, and then she would let him go.

“I’m releasing you from my care,” Chakwas informed Kaidan as she came into the med bay and handed him a cup of coffee. She had offered to get it for him when she had seen him wake and he hadn’t fought her on it, even now still pushing off the grogginess. Her words, however, woke him far faster than the coffee would have. “No lingering pain?”

“No,” he admitted, albeit reluctantly. The day before he would have gladly supplied her reassurances of his good health, but it was different now. He and Shepard had connected on some level last night and he found himself hesitant to leave her now. He had no doubts that she was the same woman he’d loved years ago – still loved even now – and found himself torn between his duty to the Alliance and Shepard.

“Good!” The doctor clapped her hands together. “I’ve already sent Shepard a message about my intent.”

“And?” Why was his heart suddenly in his throat? He swallowed stubbornly and took a drink from his mug to mask his sudden, and somewhat perplexing, discontent.

“Tomorrow, we’ll head for the Citadel.”

“Why tomorrow? Why not today?” It wasn’t as it sounded, he was just curious, but he could see the frown on her face when she took his words as anxiety, and eagerness to be done with this place.

“The Commander has an errand that is on the way to the Citadel. She assures it shouldn’t take more than a day, so don’t worry Alenko. You’ll be back with the Alliance before you know it.” He could hear the disappointed in her voice.

“What sort of errand?”

“You’ll have to ask Shepard about that,” she said as she turned her chair to face her terminal, presenting her back in a clear gesture of dismissal.

Kaidan’s eyes wandered toward the window where he could see Shepard in the mess hall, sitting with Tali and Garrus. Given the seriousness of Shepard’s expression, he couldn’t help but feel as if they were speaking of the errand in question. He slipped off of the med-bed and headed out to see what exactly it was that had Shepard looking so troubled.

“You sure about this, Shepard?” Garrus asked as he pushed himself to stand from they had been seated in the mess. “They only want you to find their operative so important information regarding Cerberus won’t end up in the wrong hands.”

“Garrus is right,” Tali added with a soft sigh. “I agreed to help you because I trust you, Shepard, but I do not trust Cerberus, not after what happened with the Flotilla. I don’t think we should be actively seeking to help them.”

“Both of your concerns have been noted.” Shepard nodded slightly. “And you have no idea how much it means to me that you trust me. I ask that you continue to do so.”

Garrus was quick to agree and after a long moment, Tali added her own. Shepard and her Quarian friend pushed up from their table, following suit of Garrus, before they all stopped at the sight of Kaidan approaching. “Keelah! Is that you, Kaidan? Shepard told me you were here,” Tali exclaimed as she came forward to clasp hands with the Staff-Lieutenant, “I just didn’t believe her.”

Kaidan found himself smiling slightly as he shook hands with the young Quarian they all had grown close to in the old days aboard the SR-1. “It’s good to see you, Tali.”

“And you!” She cocked her head as their hands returned to their sides. “You look good for someone who I was told was injured.”

“Was injured,” Shepard supplied, a somewhat somber note in her voice. “Chakwas cleared him this morning. We’ll be heading to the Citadel once this mission is finished, to return Staff-Lieutenant Alenko to the Alliance.”

Kaidan frowned at her words, noticing how she had switched from using his first name in favor of Alliance rank and surname; she had used to do the same in the old days, when she had been trying to distance herself from him because of the fraternization regulations. He found he didn’t like it, not one bit. In the presence of witnesses, he opted to take a safer route of conversation. “What is the mission?”

Shepard considered him for a long moment, then nodded as if to assure herself that sharing the information with him would have no substantial backlash. “Since we are out here anyway, I’ve opted to handle the rescue of a Cerberus operative being held on Lorek, of the Fathar system in the Omega Nebula.”

He slid his gaze to Tali and Garrus, who had been voicing their concerns when he had approached. Now that he knew what the mission was, he could understand the concern. “You two are okay with this?” He asked, albeit carefully, mindful of the way Shepard tensed, lips thinning as her gaze bore into him.

Tali and Garrus shared a look, before the Turian nodded. “If Shepard is sure of what she’s doing, I’m with her. I’d follow the Commander to hell and back if she ordered me to do so.”

“I trust Shepard to know what she’s getting herself into,” Tali added. “She has yet to let us down; we have no reason not to take her at her word. We are friends after all.”

Their answer made him feel about an inch tall. They were so quick to jump to her defense, to offer their trust, despite their obvious distrust in Cerberus. He turned his gaze back to Shepard, who’s eyes sparkled with a slight sheen of moisture; from what, he wasn’t entirely certain. “Just…be careful,” he said after a long moment of silence had passed between them.

Shepard folded her arms across her chest with a slight shake of her head, a soft laugh falling from her lips. “Have a little faith, Kaidan. Even a little bit of trust goes a long way.” And then she gestured for Tali and Garrus to follow her, taking her leave of the mess to take the lift down to the shuttle bay, leaving him to stand in an almost defeated silence.

They were right, he knew. Shepard had never given them – him – any reason to distrust her. And he had done so, insistently, and continuously, not bothering to think of how it made her feel. Yeah. An inch tall sounded about right, he decided.

Shepard caught her breath as the last merc fell to the ground in a bloody heap of limbs. Tali and Garrus cleared the rooms as she searched for data on the main terminal; it wasn’t long before she found what she needed. The Cerberus operative had indeed been captured and was being kept her, but given what she was reading over, she was less than optimistic about his current health.

“Come on, we might already be too late,” she called and the two were quick to return to her side, the squad now making their way to the door. Tali was quick to hack it and they moved down the hall, another door quickly bypassed a moment later.

The stench that hit her was familiar and she felt the churn in her gut as she pushed away the urge to vomit. They all knew the body on the table was deceased, but she instructed Garrus to check for a pulse regardless. It proved fruitless, the man was obviously dead. With a sigh, Shepard moved to the terminal in the room; the man hadn’t broken, but they had extracted the sensitive information from him despite that speed bump. It was a shame the man had opted to work with Cerberus, he would have made a fine Alliance soldier.

“It’s encrypted, but…” Shepard uploaded the data to her omni-tool and attached it to a message, before she sent it to David Anderson. “I’m sure it will be of use to the Alliance.”

“You sent the files to the Alliance?” Tali asked, surprise clearly evident in her voice.

Shepard couldn’t help but smirk as she turned to face her friends. “Why wouldn’t I? It will prove invaluable against Cerberus should the data be decrypted.”

“Are you sure that was a wise decision?” Garrus asked somewhat warily. “I mean, you work for them, Shepard. What if they find out?” His mandibles pulled in, tight, and she could see that he was concerned for her.

“I died Alliance once, and I’ll die Alliance again. I told you, didn’t I? I’m not working for Cerberus; this is only temporary and I plan to use whatever they can give me to give the Collectors hell.”

“Aye aye, Commander,” he chuckled, his mandibles fluttering in semblance of a grin.

“It’s good to be back, Commander,” Tali added, clapping her friend on the back. “I knew I could trust you.”

“Damn right you can. Now, let’s get back to the shuttle.”

Kaidan -

We have just returned from Lorek, but you won’t believe what happened planetside. We recovered the information they extracted from the Cerberus operative before they killed him, but instead of sending it back to Cerberus, Shepard sent the encrypted data to the Alliance. I admit I was wary of allowing myself to be recruited for this mission, even if it was Shepard, after what Cerberus tried to do to the Flotilla. I’m glad I trusted in Shepard. In the end, she always does the right thing. Kaidan…I wish you would reconsidering leaving. I know Shepard needs you, even if she acts like she doesn’t.

Kaidan read over the message for what had to be the twentieth time, sent to him by Tali once they had returned from their mission on Lorek. Shepard had sent the encrypted Cerberus data to the Alliance? God, he really had been an idiot to even assume she had ever turned her back on the Alliance, on him. She had never betrayed them. Circumstances had left her desperate in her means to protect the universe, and she had opted to use Cerberus to get job done. That was the cut and dry of it, wasn’t it?

He shut down his omni-tool and rubbed his hands over his face. If he had thought himself torn before, it was hell now. He didn’t want to leave Shepard. She had even said on Horizon that she could use him on her team and he had foolishly bit the hand she’d offered in friendship like a rabid dog. But he had duties, obligations, didn’t he? He was still Alliance where as, technically, Shepard wasn’t. If he went with her, he would be listed as AWOL, he had no doubt.

Perhaps there was some way he could convince Anderson to let him join Shepard, after all, the Councilor trusted her, even now, even if he had stonewalled her about sensitive Alliance information when she had come calling on the Citadel. And technically, she was still a Council Spectre, even if the council had told her to restrict herself to the Terminus systems.

Tali wanted him to reconsider his departure, but little had she known that he had been reconsidering all along. His steps determined, he left the med bay in search of Shepard.

Shepard wasn’t in her cabin, so he took the lift to the CIC. He found her talking to a tall, very obviously attractive, woman with black hair. Her suit hugged her in all the right ways, but as he looked between Shepard and the woman, he knew Shepard was far more beautiful. While the woman was attractive in an obvious way, Shepard was…well, Shepard. No one could attract him the way that she did. The woman’s eyes found him as he approached, narrowing as her lips curled in obvious distaste.

He chose to ignore her, instead addressing Shepard. “Do you have a minute, Shepard?”

“Of course, Kaidan.” Shepard waved her hand at the woman. “You’re dismissed, Miranda.”

“I wasn’t done talking to you about - “

“I said dismissed,” Shepard repeated sternly. “We can continue our discussion later.”

The woman – Miranda – grit her teeth, before she nodded and took her leave. Kaidan turned to Shepard, arching a dark brow. “She has a bit of a chip on her shoulder, doesn’t she?” He asked.

Shepard rolled her eyes. “You have no idea,” she grunted as she turned to lean her hips against the desk where she’d been standing. She folded her arms across her chest, giving him a light smile. “What did you need to talk about?”

“I – uh,” now that he found himself standing before her, he was at a loss of words. He was unsure of how to approach this, though, given their arguments, he was certain that she would approve of his decision. Even if he still did feel torn. He was going to do this, he’d decided but he was going to try and do it the right way. “Where we headed?” He asked lamely.

“The Citadel.” She clicked her tongue and glanced away. “I’ve already sent a message to Anderson about what happened on Horizon and informed him of our impending arrival to return you.”

“What did he say?” He asked, genuinely curious.

“That he appreciated that I kept you out of Cerberus’ hands while we attended to your injuries and that he was thankful I hadn’t out right kidnapped you.” She paused for a moment, before glancing back at him with a slight mischievous glint in her eyes. “Not that I wasn’t tempted, mind you,” she added with a slight smile.

“Shepard,” he sighed her name even as he found himself smiling in return. “I have, uh, decided to see if Anderson will allow me to join you in your mission to defeat the Collectors.”

Her eyes widened and her jaw slackened; to say she was surprised would have been a huge understatement. And he usually was one to exaggerate.

thighhighdalish:

Put an assumption in my ask. I’ll confirm or dispute it. I’m not gonna be mean or anything, I’m just very interested. You can go anon if you want.

Pretty please? I need a little distraction at the moment.

Could be interesting. :3 Please do?

(Source: beautifulandscary)

Kaidan sat alone in Shepard’s cabin, his head in his hands, the heels of his palms pressing against his eyes. His head was throbbing unmercifully, but how could it not after all that he had learned? Shepard had opted to give him time to think, dimming the lights in her cabin before she left to ‘take care of some things.’ His chest was tight, like someone had slammed their hand inside to grip his heart; to think of what Shepard had had to go through, and alone, made him feel as if he were the smallest man in the universe. Her words came back to him, the scene replaying across his eyelids as it had many times over since she’d departed the cabin.

“I know it’s hard to believe, Kaidan. Hell, I didn’t believe it at first either.” She sighed softly and scrubbed a hand across her face as she moved to her bed and seated herself upon the edge. He followed, but opted to sit on the sofa, folding his arms across his chest. “To me it feels like weeks since the Normandy was destroyed. Weeks. I remember it as if it were yesterday. I wasn’t going to leave Joker. I yelled at you to get to the escape pods and you hesitated, but then I asked you, begged you, to go. I knew there was a chance I wasn’t going to make it, but if I could at least get you to safety…well, I could die content in the knowledge that you would be okay. And then, you were gone. Off to help the crew get to the pods.”

His brows pressed together over his eyes and he felt his nails biting into his arm where he gripped it; he remembered that day as well. It had replayed in his nightmares every night since she’d died. And every time, he’d screamed at himself to stay, to help her, but he never did. “I remember,” he said quietly, and she nodded.

“For you, that was so long ago. To me…” She sighed and shook her head. “I rushed the stairs, my arm over my face as I ran through the flames. The door was slow to open and then I was stepping through. The CIC was a mess, the hull destroyed. I could see the planet as we limped our way by it. I couldn’t run, my mag boots having switched since we no longer had artificial gravity, but damn it, I wasn’t going to let that stop me. I was going to reach Joker in time. Then I was there, telling him we had to go.” She folded her hands together, leaned her head against them, eyes now tightly closed. “He kept telling me he could save her, but I knew it was too late. The Normandy was lost to us, he just didn’t want to believe it. I begged him to see that going down with the ship wasn’t going to change that fact. I helped him up, just as he warned about another attack. I turned, watched as the beam ripped its way through the ship. Hurried back to Joker and hoisted him up, not as careful with him as I should have been, probably fractured his arm, but I didn’t care. I had to get him out. We made it to the escape pod. I helped him in, but then the ship started falling apart and a blast blew me away. I made a frantic grasp for the panel, watched as the beam hit again, cutting me off from Joker. I was losing my grip and I heard him scream my name. I knew I wasn’t going to make it. I slammed my fist into the release panel and watched with relief as the pod doors shut. ‘Joker is safe, Joker is safe, thank god’. And then something exploded. I hit a beam and pain blossomed in my back, but I couldn’t focus on that for long, because then I was flying free into open space, watching with horror as the ship fired again and took from me what had become my home. My ship. I knew it was lost and my heart broke.” She pulled her hands away from her face and he could see that her cheeks were wet with tears; he practically made himself bleed with the effort it took to keep himself on that sofa. Her eyes opened and he could see the torment there, that she had been burying all along. “Debris was falling with me, all around, and then I heard that hissing sound and could feel the air change. My suit was leaking oxygen and the air, it was slipping away. I was suffocating,” her breathing hitched and she tore her gaze away from his to peer up at the skylight; God, what had they been thinking to put that there? It was like a giant billboard, broadcasting how she’d died.

“Shepard - “

“I couldn’t breathe. The air was so thin. My lungs hurt, my heart pumped wildly. I struggled. I fought. I tried to do something – anything – but it did no good. My vision swam in black and I sucked in air that was no longer there. I felt my eyes close, my mind wander, and then I felt nothing. It was just gone…I was gone.” She pursed her lips together in a thin line, wiped her cheeks stubbornly. “The next thing I remember was vague. I heard a man, and a woman, talking but I couldn’t make out what they were saying. I panicked. I had no idea where I was, or what was happening, and it was too much of a stress on my…battered,” she nearly choked on the word, “body. They sedated me. When I woke next it was to explosions and gunfire, that same woman’s voice telling me to get up, that I had to get up now. I tried to sit up, but everything hurt. My face felt raw, like someone had torn the skin apart and sewed it back together. She said something about my scars not being fully healed, but that I had to move, that the station was under attack.”

“That doesn’t mean you died,” he whispered, his own voice catching.

“That’s what I thought too. I figured I’d been in a coma, or something. As I fought my way through the station, I came across terminals and files, all about the ‘Lazarus Project’ – me. About how much it took to rebuild me, bring me back. I remember hearing that complete regeneration was taking too long and they opted to speed along the process with cybernetic replacements.” He watched as she shuddered, wrapping her arms around her middle as if the idea made her sick. It made him sick to think of what she must have endured. “I ran into Jacob first, a Cerberus soldier. I asked him everything I could think of; where was I? How long had I been out? He told me I hadn’t been in a coma, that when they brought me to the station I was really and truly dead.”

“Shepard - “

“Dead, Kaidan. I had been dead. He said I was nothing but a lump of meat when they brought my body aboard. Meat and tubes…two years, I’d been gone.”

“Jesus, Shepard, if I had known - “

“What, Kaidan? What would you have done?”

He unfolded his arms and dragged a hand through his hair, avoiding her gaze. He didn’t know what to tell her. What would he have done had he known? Hell, he didn’t know. He couldn’t know.

“I doubt it would have changed anything had you known, Kaidan. You know the five stages of grief, right?”

He swallowed thickly and nodded; how could he not? He’d gone through all of them himself, after she’d died.

“Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.” She counted them off on her fingers. “I never had time to go through the stages; I was thrown into the deep end and expected to swim. I made it off the station with Jacob and another Cerberus operative, Miranda. They questioned me about everything they could, to make sure my memory was intact; about Mindoir, Akuze, the attack on the Citadel, about who I…left to die on Virmire, if I had saved the council, and who I chose to become the first human Councilor. Do you know what the only thing I could think of was?”

“What?” He forced his eyes to find her. She’d straightened and her chin was lifted in that defiant way of her’s, as if to say ‘bring it, I dare you’.

“You, Kaidan. When they told me I’d been gone for two years, all I could think of was you. You thought I was dead, you were suffering and I didn’t know where you were.”

“Shepard -” he started to say her name, then stopped, finding it hard to breathe much less think coherently.

“But they didn’t give me a chance to look for you.” She sighed and ran her fingers through her dark hair. “I was taken to another Cerberus station. That’s where I talked with the Illusive Man. Not in person, over some holo vid comm. He explained what had happened, that human colonyies were disappearing and no one was doing anything about it. He didn’t think I trusted him – which I didn’t – so he sent me to Freedom’s Progress. It was deserted. Quiet – too quiet. Then we ran into Tali and her squad. Seeing her…hearing from her that I’d been gone, dead…that’s when it really hit home. But I wasn’t given time to accept it, as we were forced to fight off the mechs and retrieve one of her people. He had been on his pilgrimage there when the colony went dark. He gave us the footage of the Collectors taking the colony, one person at a time. Miranda wanted us to take him back with us, to interrogate him, but I could see he was traumatized and had given us everything he could, so I released him to Tali.”

“And they let you?” He asked, because he didn’t believe that they would have let a potential information source go on just Shepard’s order.

She nodded. “Then I went back to the Illusive Man. I told him, if he would give me the resources I needed, I would find the Collectors and stop them from abducting more of our colonies. But I told him I wanted my old crew. He made it clear that none of you were available. I promised myself I would try to find you all on my own, and accepted his dossiers. Then, he told me he’d found me a pilot. Joker was there and I was so happy to see him, and he was walking even! I was just so glad to see that he was alive and well. He took me to see the ship and together, we decided to name it the Normandy.” She folded her arms across her chest again. “That’s the whole of it. I’ve been trying to put together a team to take out the Collectors. I asked for help from the Council, but they shot me down, only promised to reinstate my Spectre status if I kept myself to the Terminus systems. Anderson told me that the Alliance had denied the existence of the Reaper’s at the Council’s insistence. Everything we had built, they tore down. They discredited me. Grounded and split up my team. I was out of options. I had no choice but to take what the Illusive Man offered.”

She paused and looked at him strangely for a moment, he couldn’t help but feel like he’d grown a second head. “What?” He asked defensively.

“Did Anderson really tell you nothing?”

“Nothing, just that you were alive and that vids of you working with Cerberus were floating around.” He scoffed beneath his breath. “I didn’t believe it…not until Horizon.”

She nodded and tilted her head back, thinking for a moment. “Chakwas has all the data on the Lazarus Project that wasn’t lost – medical scans, Miranda’s progress reports – if you still don’t believe me, you can ask her to go over the files with you.”

He wanted to say that he didn’t need them, that he believed every word of what she had told him, but all he could muster was - “Thank you.”

She turned her eyes back to him and he must have imagined the hurt there. She, too, must have wanted him to deny the need to see those files. “I can share more stories with you later, but I have to take care of some things. I know this is a lot to take in, so I will give you some time to think.”

He rubbed his temples and sighed, but nodded. He didn’t know what to think, or what to say. She moved past him, or he thought – she had stopped, and placed her hand on his shoulder. “For what it’s worth, Kaidan, thank you for at least hearing me out. Even if you leave, thank you. It’s been a weight on my chest, like cement, since I came back not knowing where you were, that you had no idea what had really happened.” She squeezed her fingers on his shoulder. He barely resisted to urge to lay his cheek against her hand, to feel her alive flesh against his own. “I’m glad I was able to tell you.” Then she pulled away and left him to his thoughts.

When she came back, hours later, he was still sitting there on the sofa, with his palms pressed against his eyes; did he have a migraine? She remembered that he got them fairly often due to his L2 biotic implant. He didn’t seem to hear her come in, so she left and went to fetch some pain meds from Chakwas, and two cups of coffee, black, from Rupert. Then, she returned to her cabin and placed the mugs of coffee on the table in front of him. Only then did he drop his hands and lift his head to look at her.

She extended her palm, an offering of pain medication.

“Thank you,” he whispered, taking the shot. She watched as he stabbed himself in the arm, and pushed down the plunger. He dropped it onto the table and relaxed back against the couch. She could see the relief in his eyes as the pain began to ebb.

“Better?”

“Yes, thank you.” He nodded and she was happy to see that he did not wince from the motion.

“I brought you coffee, black – just the way you like it.” She took her mug and seated herself on the opposite sofa. Watched as he took the other mug and sipped it, giving a content sigh as the coffee warmed him.

“And just the way you like it,” he said.

“Guess we have that in common.”

“Guess we do…” He sipped the coffee again and they fell into an easy silence, which in itself was a miracle. They weren’t fighting, arguing, or hurting each other anymore. At least for the moment.

She could live with that.

“Shepard?” He posed her name as a hesitant question, a prelude to something bigger that was on his mind, she could see it in his eyes; his amber eyes, eyes that she had missed seeing since the morning of the day she’d died.

“Hm?” She sipped her own coffee, it warming her in a pleasant way; she remembered sitting with him in the mess hall after a mission, sipping coffee in comfortable, easy silence, much like they were now. She hadn’t realized the extent to which she missed that until this very moment.

“Did you really keep that picture out of sentimentality?”

Well, that certainly had not been what she was expecting. She debated her answer for a long moment and decided that it could do no more harm to tell him the truth; she wanted him to trust her again, and this was a good start. “No. It wasn’t even here. Ah…Joker gave it to me, actually. Well, the OSD with the picture on it.”

He arched a brow, clearly surprised. “Joker did?”

“I had no will. I didn’t have anyone to leave my things to when I died,” she explained.

“So how did he…?”

“Joker said that Anderson came to him with my things; not much mind you, just a few things I’d had in my apartment on the Citadel. Anderson had said that he thought giving the things to you might have been too painful and you were…already suffering enough, so he asked Joker to take them.” She sighed softly and then smiled faintly. “The very same day I boarded the SR-2, he came to my cabin and told me all of this, then promptly returned the items to me – one of which was an OSD, that held the only picture I had managed to snag of you.” Kaidan frowned; perhaps he was hurt that Anderson had opted not to give him her things. “Don’t be mad, Kaidan. He was looking out for you.”

“I am perfectly capable of looking out for myself,” he grunted. Then he sighed and took a deep gulp of his coffee.

“I know, Kaidan,” she chuckled and followed suit. She wanted to jump with joy when she saw a smile find its way across his lips. She felt an answering smile curl her lips. “It’s good to see you smile, Kaidan.”

“It’s good to see you smile too, Shepard.” He whispered.

She may not have liked opening herself up that way, spilling the details as she relived that horrible day – the day of her death, but could find joy in the tiny flicker of hope that bloomed within her heart. It may have been painful, but it had done something, and she would take every inch she could get.

Kaidan’s anger was beginning to fade and, as it did, he realized what a fool he’d been since being taken aboard Shepard’s ship. Yeah, he had his morals and beliefs, his reasons for what he did, but Shepard did as well, and he’d been walking all over them since they moment they’d been reunited on Horizon. Yeah, he didn’t trust Cerberus, but Shepard had never given him a reason not to trust her. He still wasn’t sure if he believed her incredible tale of resurrection, but he could at least give her the benefit of the doubt and dig for information where he could. He supposed he should talk to Shepard.

His ribs were still a bit sore, but he could move around now without no more than a slight, occasional, twinge of pain. So he opted to make use of his new privileges and left the med bay in search of Shepard, offering a lame excuse about ‘getting to know his prison’ to Chakwas who rolled her eyes with a small laugh.

“Ah! You’re up and about now! Come, get something to eat! I’ll give you the Rupert Special,” a balding, stocky man was speaking to him and Kaidan felt himself get caught up in the man’s friendly exuberance. “Sit, sit, take a load off.” With a slight smile, Kaidan shook his head and took a seat at one of the empty mess hall tables; there were Cerberus operatives at the other table and he was having none of that.

A moment later the man, Rupert, brought him a steaming bowl of stew. “Thank you.”

“No problem! A friend of Shepard’s is a friend of mine!” The man went to move away, but Kaidan grasped the man’s wrist to stop him. Once he stopped, he let the wrist go.

“Would you mind sitting with me? I haven’t been out of the medical bay since I was brought on board, I have some questions.”

“Sure, no problem.” Rupert grinned and took a seat across the table from him. He was surprised to find the man pleasant company as he ate; he certainly had not expected any of the Cerberus crew to be so…well, inviting? “What did you want to know?”

Kaidan thought carefully as he scooped up another bite(some part of him was surprised to find that the food wasn’t poisoned). “I served on the SR-1 with Shepard, but I imagine this copy isn’t an exact copy in terms of layout.”

“Mmhmm, that’s true. I don’t know much about the original Normandy layout, but I can tell you about our baby here.” Rupert sounded proud, he noticed. “This is deck 3, technically. Deck 2 is the CIC, and bridge. It also has the weapon room, where Jacob spends his time, and then the medical lab, where that weird, hyper-active Salarian – Mordin I believe his name was – is hiding out. Joker never really seems to leave the bridge.” The man shrugged and Kaidan felt a bit of relief that some things never changed. “Deck 3, that’s here, is a number of things. Observation rooms, life support, mess hall, med bay, main battery, XO’s office, restrooms; XO is Miranda, and the main battery is where Garrus holes himself up, always doing calibrations to the ship’s guns. Deck 4 has the engine room, cargo holds, the works. I’d stay away from the Cargo hold and the storage for the engines; Grunt and Jack aren’t exactly social. Nasty tempers, both of them, though I think I would take the Krogan over that crazy woman any day. Massani is alright, but beware of Kasumi; she’s a master thief apparently and is always in trouble.” The man nodded and folded his arms over his chest. “I think that about covers the important bits.”

Kaidan’s brow rose at the amount of information the man passed onto him; he obviously had no problem with trust, or he simply trusted him because he was Shepard’s friend. He sighed softly. “Wait, what’s on deck 1?”

Rupert’s brows rose nearly into his hair. “Oh, that’s the Captain’s quarters. Rather, Shepard’s quarters. I do know that was a new addition; Shepard wouldn’t stop talking about it for days. Says it beat her old quarters by a mile.”

He couldn’t help but chuckle as he finished the stew, pushing the bowl away. “Are you good friends with Shepard?” He asked the man, finding himself generally curious; on the SR-1 it seemed like she had gone out of her way to make sure she was friendly with every member of her crew, making them feel as if they had a home on her ship.

“Hell, I wouldn’t know, but I know she goes out of her way to help us whenever she can. She even did an errand on the Citadel to get me better supplies to cook with. Sure as hell never expected that. After everything I heard about her, I guess I expected her to be cold. Distanced, you know.” Rupert pushed himself up from the table. “Well, I’d best get back to work. Commander’s due back anytime and I’m sure she’ll want her coffee nice and hot.”

Black, Kaidan remembered. Whenever she came back from a mission, the hot cup of coffee always seemed to help her relax. “Due back?”

“Yup. Something about picking up an old friend.”

Kaidan hadn’t even realized that Shepard had left the ship, but he remembered Chakwas saying she was going to do her best to recruit their old teammate Tali, one he had fought side by side many times before. As he had with Garrus, and with Shepard. They had always watched each others backs. Yet now, he was turning his back on Shepard while Tali and Garrus continued to be there for her, despite the ties to Cerberus.

As Rupert walked away, he found himself scrubbing his hands across his face with frustration. What was he supposed to do? He couldn’t work with Cerberus, he couldn’t. It went against everything he believed in. Shepard saw them as a means to an end, but it wasn’t that cut and cry. Who knows what Cerberus’ true intentions were? Kaidan was inclined to think the worst. They weren’t labeled a terrorist cell for no reason; they had more than earned their reputation.

He pushed himself up from the table and decided to take the lift the Shepard’s quarters. It seemed to take as long as the old lift did; he figured if they upgraded the ship they would have at least put in a faster elevator. He was surprised to find that her door wasn’t locked, but when he hit the button the enter, a small orb of blue appeared over a small panel.

“Staff-Lieutenant Alenko. May I inquire as to your intentions?” The orb was speaking to him. Ship VI maybe? That didn’t seem quite right. The voice wasn’t as flat and emotionless as VI’s. Dear god, did Shepard have an AI on her ship?

“An AI, huh? I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, this being a Cerberus ship and all,” he sighed and comber his fingers through his hair with a shake of his head.

“My name is EDI,” the program chose to ignore his barb. “Shepard has put no restriction on her cabin. She has, as you call it, an ‘open door policy’. However, I do not think she would want you in her quarters given your…arguments, more so with the fact that she is not currently aboard the Normandy.”

His brows rose nearly into his hair; EDI – as it called itself – seemed to hear everything that happened on this ship. This carbon copy of a ship that had once held his most treasured memories. It felt hollow, a ghost of the ship that had become his home, simply because it had held Shepard in its decks. His hands clenched at his sides.

“I withdraw my assessment. Shepard has given you permission to enter.”

“Wait, what?”

“Shepard has returned aboard. I inquired as to whether or not you should be allowed inside. She said, ‘Might as well let him in, EDI. I will be up shortly myself anyway.’ You may enter, Alenko.” The orb flickered and then disappeared as the doors hissed open.

He took his steps slow as he entered her cabin, his eyes looking around the room and taking in every little detail; it was definitely bigger than her old quarters. By a mile, as Shepard had said. She had an upper alcove specifically for her terminal, then there was that monstrosity of an aquarium against the wall. A couple of steps led down to the main room which held her bed, another deck, a table, and sofa’s. With a slight tilt of his head, he realized she even had a skylight. Hell, then when he moved toward her desk, he caught sight of her very own bathroom. Even the higher ups of the Alliance were lucky to get such spacious quarters on a ship.

He stepped closer to her desk to take a look at the few ships models she’d hung on the glass wall when something flickered to life on her desk. His gaze dropped down the picture frame that had activated due to his proximity. His eyes widened when he realized he was staring at a picture of himself, the only one Shepard had managed to snap of him on the old Normandy. His heart clenched painfully within his chest; why did she have this? Why did she have it beside her terminal, where he knew she must have been at for numerous amounts of varying times. How often did she look at his picture?

“Kaidan, I’m glad to see you are doing better,” Shepard’s voice said from behind him, a bit hesitantly. They hadn’t exactly parted on the best of terms when they’d conversed last, so he could understand the hesitance.

He picked up the frame with a hand and turned to face her. When she realized what he held, she paled visibly, lips trembling, appearing vulnerable despite the intimidating armor she had worn to Haestrom. “Why do you have this, Shepard?” He asked, softly, but he knew she could hear the steel in his voice.

“Kaidan…” She sighed softly. “I’m sure there are more important things on your mind than one silly little picture I kept out of sentimentality.”

He narrowed his eyes and studied her carefully; she didn’t appear to be lying, but she had seemed disrupted that he had seen the picture. It hurt to think she wasn’t lying. What had he expected her to say, really? That she had the picture because she loved him, was still in love with him?

Clearly not. He sighed and set the picture back down on the desk, before stepping back and away, facing her again. He folded his arms across his chest. “Nothing you say will change my mind, Shepard. I will still be leaving as soon as Chakwas clears me. But you are right, there are more important things for us to discuss.”

“How did you even find your way up here?” She asked, choosing to ignore what he said.

“Your Mess Sargent, Rupert I think his name was.”

“God damn Rupert,” she muttered as she stomped down the stairs, undoing the latches of her armor as she went. He swallowed the lump in his throat at the sight of her in the nothing more than the tight black suit they are wore beneath their armor, but she wasn’t going to linger and she quickly slid on her casual coat, that was white and black. When she turned to face him, he grit his teeth at the sight of the Cerberus logo emblazoned on her chest. Though he reasoned that they wouldn’t have allowed her to wear Alliance regulation fatigues on their ship.

“So,” she folded her arms across her chest, cocking her hip out. “Where shall I start, Alenko? I leave it up to you since nothing I say will change your mind.”

“The beginning,” he replied with no hesitation. “Start at the beginning.”

Kaidan wasn’t sure what to expect when he’d sent that letter to Shepard after Horizon. A number of things; for her to delete it without reading it, read and simply ignore it, or send an angry response. He’d assumed she had either deleted it, or ignored, when he received no reply; he lost track of how many days he’d spent waiting, visibly jumping whenever his omni-tool pinged to alert him of a new message, or nearly sprinting every time something arrived on his personal terminal at his apartment.

He’d expected no reply, but that didn’t mean that it didn’t hurt him when he didn’t receive one. He’d been angry, almost as angry as when he’d confronted Shepard on Horizon. He knew that it was bad, that when he was angry he had the tendency to say stupid things out of that anger, and out of the hurt that was beneath it.

He tried to keep himself busy with his routine on the Citadel. He would be heading for Earth soon for what Anderson had said was only something he could do. He had wanted to say no, but when Anderson asked for you personally, you didn’t turn him down. And the man kept him informed of whatever Brass heard about Shepard, like how she had been closely involved with the destruction of the Alpha relay and the destruction of the Batarian’s colony, Aratoht; the brief message the Alliance had recovered was enough for him to know that she had done everything she could to evacuate the colony, but she had been too late. She was keeping busy, he mused, but every time he heard of something she’d done, he could barely breathe until he heard confirmation that she was still alive, worried he’d lost her all over again. One reason he’d sent her that message.

He hadn’t expected a reply. His last night on the Citadel before leaving for Earth, he spent hours in the shower, trying to clear his mind. He couldn’t go into a new mission as distracted as he was; without a reply, he was lost in a million thoughts – where was she? What was she doing? Was she hurt? Was she coming back? Did she hate him? Did she still feel the same for him as he did for her? Had she forgiven him? – ones he didn’t need hounding him as he did his duty for the Alliance. The very duty, that in his anger, he had put before Shepard. He had wanted nothing more to go with her, help her, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t have turned his back on the Alliance, like he’d accused her of doing herself. Yeah, he said stupid things in his anger, things he wished – and tried – to take back.

With no response.

But he’d expected that.

He climbed out of the shower, wrapping a towel around his waist, grabbing another to towel his hair dry as he walked out of the bathroom. The light on his terminal was blinking and, as it had every time he’d gotten a message, his heart leaped into his throat.

He sat at the terminal, his hand shaking as he brought up his messages.

He’d expected her to ignore him, or send him an angry response; what he had never, even once, expected, was a video call. One he had missed while in the shower.

One Vid-Call – received 21:12 p.m., sender A. Shepard

Out of morbid curiosity, he glanced at the clock; 21:22. He missed her by a mere ten minutes. Laughing almost bitterly, he dropped his face into his hand and sucked in a strangled breath. He dropped his hand and downloaded the vid to an OSD, taking it to the much larger screen on his wall. His heart thudding painfully hard against his ribs, he sat himself on the couch in his merger living-room and hit play.

The first thing he noticed was how tired she looked; healthy, but tired, large splotches of black under her pale, nearly silver, blue eyes.

“Hey Kaidan…” She chuckled, almost as if she were nervous. “Is it strange that I’m glad you didn’t answer? Not for the reason you would think – yeah, I am still mad about Horizon, but…it seems like such a small thing now. You see…we’re minutes away from the Omega-4 relay.” She bit her lip, something she did when she wasn’t sure what to say. Kaidan’s heart nearly stopped at her words.

The Omega-4 relay? No ship had ever returned from using it. Whatever was on the other side made sure no vessel made the return trip.

“This is it. What we’ve been working so hard for since Cerberus brought me back; we’re taking the fight to the Collectors. I…I wanted you to know that if,” she smiled sadly when she said ‘if’, then shook her head slowly, something she did when she was uncertain. Kaidan could see the doubt. Shepard didn’t think she was coming back; all at once, he couldn’t breathe. “If I return, I am surrendering myself and the Normandy to the Alliance. It’s the right thing to do…after Aratoht.”

She felt guilty, he realized. She felt responsible. He didn’t have the details of the mission she’d undertaken, but he knew, knew, she’d done everything she could to prevent unnecessary deaths. But this was so like his Shepard to take the weight of the galaxy upon her slim shoulders. He wanted to reach out and cup her cheek, tell her she didn’t need to feel guilty. God, he hoped she came back so he could.

“Maybe I’ll see you,” she smiled this time, an honest to god smile, and Kaidan felt his own smile following closely behind. “Might be a nice change of pace. I miss being with the Alliance. I would have left Cerberus if I could but I couldn’t…not when the Alliance and the Council turned their backs on everything we’d experienced with Sovereign. I couldn’t trust them, not when they weren’t doing anything about the missing colonists. After what I saw on Freedom’s Progress…I couldn’t turn away, not even if I had to work with…with Cerberus.” She sighed and tucked some of red hair behind an ear. “I know how much you hate Cerberus, Kaidan. And, yeah, I was mad about Horizon, but I understand now how you must feel; I was dead, you’d been alone for years, and then suddenly I was back, with no warning, and working with the group both of us hated with a passion.”

She reached out a hand, gently ran her fingertip across the screen of her terminal. “I want you to know that if I had any other options, I would have taken them, Kaidan.”

“Commander, we are two minutes out from the Omega-4 relay. Better get down here.” She glanced away from the screen as the voice came over the comm and Kaidan recognized it as Joker’s. Joker was with her, too? He smiled a bit; even though he and Joker hadn’t exactly parted on the best of terms, he could be glad that she had the best pilot in the galaxy – as Joker liked to say – with her, flying her ship.

“I will be down in a minute, Joker.”

“Aye aye, ma’am.”

She glanced back to the screen and smiled sadly once again. He swore he could see tears in her eyes. His own burned, threatening to water at the sight. “Well, Kaidan. I guess this is it…” She combed her fingers through her hair. “Damnit, I swore I wasn’t going to say this unless you answered but Kaidan…I love you. I’ve missed you and I’m going to fight to my last breath to make it back to you. Maybe then…maybe…”

“Commander, we’re approaching the relay.”

“I’m on my way, Joker. Well…you heard him. Goodbye Kaidan. Stay safe.” She lingered a moment more, then the screen went blank.

Kaidan swallowed past the lump in his throat, his eyes still burning. He tried to hold it together, but when he thought of her beyond the relay, he couldn’t. Hot tears rolled down his cheeks and a sob broke free stubbornly from his throat. There was a chance he would be losing her all over again. He couldn’t handle that, not again. She had to come back. She had to.

Maybe then…maybe…her words echoed in his thought and he pressed his lips together tightly. There wasn’t going to be any maybe’s about it; once she was back, he wasn’t going to let her go. Not again.

“I love you too, Shepard,” he whispered quietly in the darkness of his apartment. “Please be safe.”